The cold

The cold: the noun. The unpleasantness that isn't really an illness so much as an invasion of the disgusting but moderate into your body. Everyone seems to be suffering from the challenge of the cold this week.

The symptoms: the alternating of cold and warmth in your body that are somewhere between an itch and a shiver; the outpouring of infection; the tickle in the throat and the ache just above the eyebrows and all the way along to the ears; the slight loss of hearing; the acute loss of interest in virtually everything except the television and downy devices to drape over oneself; the mimicking of a bear (a grumpy one); the endless drinking and therefore endless toilet visits; the fact that colleagues think a disgusting drink will make you feel great again even though when they are ill a ward has to be set up to dispense comfort to them; the sucking so many sweets that your tongue has sores; the fact that none of the sweets or drinks taste any good but they are all you can taste and the nice food is bland; the chapping of the nose, lips, cheeks; feeling like a pariah at the theatre, cinema, concert because you are disturbing everyone but not wanting to miss.

Ultimately there is nothing much wrong with you and you have to carry on and that's fine and you should be grateful- grateful and disgusting. So I am grateful and disgusting. If you are too I do hope you don't feel too wretched.